Life !?

I am finding life to be really hard on my own. I have just always expected people to be honest and do what they are expected to do. I know this is all going to sound really whinny but this is my blog and I can write what I am feeling. I have been divorced for over a year now. I have moved to a town where I have no family. I am three hours from my daughter and her family and four hours from my son and his wife (who will come and see me but don't want me to go see them). That really hurts that my son and his wife don't want me to come and see them. I go see my daughter, her husband and my four grand kids every chance I get. They make my life worth living for. What I feel most of the time doesn't match what I should be feeling. I miss so much not having someone laying next to me at night. Though the person laying next to me was mean to me at least I was not alone. Then there are the times when I am so glad that I am alone and don't have to answer to anyone else. I hear my ex tell me how he is taking another woman out (when he can't send me my $100. a month support check). It just hurt so ..... I wonder if he will treat her better than he treated me for 30 years.....she has teenage daughters....will he treat her daughters with more respect than he did his own natural born daughter? Part of me hopes he treats them they way he treated us....then we would know that it was his bad behavior that destroyed the family....but then I don't want anyone else hurt they way we was. Why is it so hard to close this door and not look back. I would never let him back into my life but I still look to him for my value as a person. Since I have left I have made good friends for the first time in my life. They love me and value my friendship but I still don't believe them when they say I have value. I wonder if I will ever find my value as a person. Not getting it from what other people say but see my value from my eyes. I see people all the time with that ability....how do they do that?